The New England Patriots topped the Pittsburgh Steelers on NFL’s opening Thursday Night, kicking things off three weeks ago, so I guess I can’t wait much longer to give my updated predictions with injuries, trades, and additional information in mind. So, without further ado, here are my ridiculous and outlandish (and probably a lil’ bias) team-by-team record predictions for each NFL franchise:
Pittsburgh Steelers, 11-5: When Le’Veon Bell and Martavis Bryant come back, that offense is going to be scary.
Baltimore Ravens, 10-6: They’ll find a way. John Harbaugh always does.
Cincinnati Bengals, 10-6: Not like it’ll matter come playoff time.
Cleveland Browns, 4-12: I really want Johnny Manziel to do well, but he’ll be lucky to start. Bye bye Mike Pettine.
Houston Texans, 10-6: I really want to say they’ll win the division, but I’m not sure I trust the offense enough. Let’s see how Bryan Hoyer holds up and how quickly Arian Foster can get back.
Tennessee Titans, 4-12: Sorry Marcus, not a big fan.
Jacksonville Jaguars, 2-14: What else is new?
New England Patriots, 12-4: Gronk, Edelman, and an even more improved offensive line makes for a scary team.
Miami Dolphins, 9-7: Ndamukong Suh makes this a top-10 defense, Ryan Tannehill is coming along, and suddenly things look okay in Miami.
Buffalo Bills, 9-7: Love the defense, but Tyrod Taylor just doesn’t make for a good offense.
New York Jets, 6-10: Once again, loving the defense here. The offense on the other hand is worse off than Geno’s jaw.
Denver Broncos, 13-3: Peyton. Manning. And then C.J. Anderson in the new-look run offense. This best record comes with the assumptions that Wade Phillips does something which Jack Del Rio apparently couldn’t do—coach a talented defense.
Kansas City Chiefs, 9-7: This is still a good team, and once Peyton retires they should have no problem jumping to the top of the division.
San Diego Chargers, 7-9: I just don’t trust Philip Rivers to…well, not suck. Who knows, maybe he’ll prove me wrong.
Minnesota Vikings, 10-6: I’m really excited to see Adrian Peterson and Teddy Bridgewater on the field together. So excited in fact that I just put them down as winning 10 games. Whoops.
Detroit Lions, 8-8: No matter how much talent they have, they always manage to screw everything up. With all the defensive losses, things definitely won’t get any better.
Chicago Bears, 3-13: I don’t like John Fox. Or Jay Cutler. Especially Jay Cutler.
New Orleans Saints, 9-7: As long as C.J. Spiller actually comes back this year. Drew Brees looks 2009-esque right now.
Carolina Panthers, 8-8: Kelvin Benjamin is a pretty big loss. Let’s see how Devin Funchess can step in.
Atlanta Falcons, 5-11: Bouncing back from the 32nd overall defense isn’t an easy process.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 5-11: At least you did better than Mariota, right Jameis?
Philadelphia Eagles, 10-6: This comes with a huge assumption: Sam Bradford stays healthy.
New York Giants, 9-7: Say what you want about Eli, I still believe he can do it.
Dallas Cowboys, 8-8: Unless Darren McFadden goes Arkansas on the Giants Sunday Night, I’m sticking with mediocrity in Dallas.
Washington Redskins, 4-12: Once again, what else is new?
Seattle Seahawks, 11-5: Defense still wins championships, but if the offense plays like it did preseason then the Cardinals will quickly jump to the throne in the West.
Arizona Cardinals, 9-7: Great defense and everything, but they just can’t get over the wall of the Seahawks.
St. Louis Rams, 9-7: Great defense, extremely tough division. At least they aren’t last this season.
San Francisco 49ers, 6-10: With all the defensive loss and without Jim Harbaugh, 6-10 is probably a bit generous.