You had to notice that America was a bit off her game for the past seven months. Something hasn’t been quite right with the Land of the Free.
Sure, there’s the most bizarre presidential race in U.S. history taking place. So that hasn’t helped keep our great nation steady. But two freaks fighting for control of nuclear launch codes has not been our biggest concern lately.
Although, now that I think of the election in those terms, I guess it is pretty damn important. But we have the choice between two monsters, so who gives a shit.
On to football!
The NFL will make America great again. Starting tonight, with a Super Bowl rematch between Denver and Carolina, America will get back on track.
Those poor Americans who tried to pass the time watching baseball and basketball can give up that charade. The powers that be in the NBA let LeBron get himself a title by suspending Golden State’s hottest player. What a wonderful sport!
As for baseball, I can’t tell you what’s been going on. The only reason I tune into a baseball game is to cure insomnia.
With the NFL season kicking off tonight on NBC, the world will be a better place, as the most powerful nation on the planet gets to distract itself with pro football until February 2017.
Canada can relax. We won’t have time to invade the North to take over all those round bacon factories.
And plans for a wall on our southern border will be replaced by fantasy football models so that we can win $6 on DraftKings.
Funny how immigration isn’t so important when you’re painting your face in order to fit in with the other psycho tailgaters who get to the game six hours early.
We may have been rudderless as a nation for the past few months, but at 8:30 tonight America will be made great once again.
Here’s seven improvements to our country that you may notice on a grassroots level as early as tomorrow morning.
7. You will have more to read about than some random comment a player made to TMZ. There will be actual plays and highlights to discuss as 2016 NFL heroes are created each week.
6. Many anti-Trump / Hillary bumper stickers will be replaced by stickers detailing hatred for the driver’s home team’s rival.
5. The Olympics will be rinsed from our minds as we watch a real sport. One that we can be proud of….except for the roids, mental damage to the players, and the occasional kicker abusing his wife.
4. Guys will have something to talk about at work again. No more talk about the weather or some ridiculous reality show. We can have meaningful conversations about why Julio Jones only saw six targets versus the Bucs or if Matt Ryan needs a hypnotist to rebuild his confidence.
3. Roger Goodell will likely make Trump and Clinton look like upstanding leaders as the Commish inevitably damages his image further in 2016.
2. Dads around the country will be in better moods. No more wandering around the house looking for stuff to complain about. Kids can leave their rooms a hot mess and wives can go with microwave dinners seven days a week. The old man will be in a football coma until further notice.
1. We will all be distracted from real problems for a while. We can focus on issues like why Aaron Rodgers has nothing to do with his brother. And watch Rodney Harrison try to guess the ethnicity of the players he covers. (Dan Patrick, Bob Costas, nor Mike Florio should try that guessing game)
With the NFL season about to kick off, we can busy ourselves with games even on Thursday night. And with late games on three nights a week, we’ll all be too sleepy to notice any societal issues that could wreck our nation.
We’ll worry about those after Super Bowl 51.