With the news of a Denver Broncos safety being sent home after police questioned him about a prostitution ring, I’d better send out a public service announcement to the rest of the participants of Super Bowl 50.
Ryan Murphy was only a practice squad player so his absence shouldn’t hurt the Broncos‘ chances in the big game. Although the news will surely be part of a lot of locker room jokes.
Though Murphy wasn’t arrested, Gary Kubiak nipped the drama in the bud by getting rid of the distraction by sending the kid home.
What if this incident had involved a starter? It would be a hot mess, and the head coach would not have been so quick to send the guy packing.
Peyton Manning could be photographed in a pimp hat surrounded by five street walkers and would still be starting the Super Bowl as long as he wasn’t arrested.
Sorry practice squaders. You’re kinda disposable.
Just in case, there are any players with stupid ideas running through their heads just five days left before SB50 kicks off, I’m here with a public service announcement to keep the guys in line.
I’d hate to see any impact players miss the biggest game of their lives and jack up the game for the rest of us.
Pay attention Panthers and Broncos. This means both players and coaches.
Below are ten things you NFLers should avoid, so you don’t miss the game that you’ve worked so hard to get to.
10. Keep up with your helmet. You don’t need anything to distract you or your team. Not saying Buffalo would’ve won any of their Super Bowls had Thurman Thomas not lost his helmet, but it sure didn’t help their mojo.
9. Please do not pile-drive, body-slam, or clothes-line any of your own teammates. Yes it would make for a great story, and you’d be feared like Percy Harvin for being a real badass, but it might wreck the team’s focus.
8. Hitting the hippie lettuce is not really a harmful activity. Still, getting caught with some mary jane before the Super Bowl would be Super Stupid. If you need to relax try some meditation, a round of golf, or a casual walk in the park…..remember no hookers, not even in a park.
7. Please don’t take any payoffs before the big game. It could ruin the 50th anniversary of the greatest game on Earth, and we would never hear the end of this scandal. You think DeflateGate was bad? Let some idiot kicker be seen with a sack of cash in a dark alley.
Luckily both these quarterbacks make big money, so we don’t have to worry about a Neil O’Donnell situation. Better watch the kickers and holders, though.
The Cowboys had a scare this week with their former running back Joseph Randle reportedly being involved in sports gambling, but any scandal involving Dallas shouldn’t affect the Super Bowl, which is only for elite teams.
6. If you feel like you may be losing your sanity, please seek out a shrink. He or she will give you some pills to level you out. At least, until the Superbowl is over, then you may need to invest in long term treatment.
5. No matter how stupid the question from the media, do not make your answer even dumber. Use cliches and be as boring as humanly possible. Guys and gals with mics aren’t looking for you to wow the world with your insights. They’re looking for you to screw up so they can get some big ratings with your idiotic soundbite on gay marriage, race relations, or politics. Pretend your Tom Brady and you’re sure to come off as boring as possible.
Oh and try not to flaunt your $80,000 Rolex in front of NFL fans watching media day from the comfort of their house which is on the verge of foreclosure Aqib Talib. You’ve earned every penny. Proud for you. But if you really felt good about yourself you wouldn’t need to show off your ridiculous purchases that you’ll regret in about 6.2 years.
4. Try not to go missing the night before the game. It’s usually best for the entire team to stay together. Having a guy head off to Mexico in the middle of the night can cause some disruption on the team that leads to an embarrassing blowout.
3. Prostitution bad. A normal romantic relationship is good. Maybe Las Vegas gets the Raiders, and we have a Super Bowl in Vegas in 2028. Then getting involved with a couple of hookers the week of the Super Bowl will be totally legal. Maybe even encouraged.
2. Try to avoid any performance enhancing drug use. If you have to get your HGH on then make sure to have FedEx send the products to your wife or really anyone besides yourself, allegedly. Get a fall guy like ESPN’s Chris Carter suggests.
1. Do not, I repeat, do not murder anyone. Not even one of your associates. Not even to cover up a previous slaying that has yet to catch up with you.
Check Aaron Hernandez’s status in the NFL and life itself for further evidence that this type crime is way out of bounds. Peyton Manning is probably smart enough to create a game plan for the perfect murder, but it’s still not worth the risk. It could cost the guy the chance to get his Super Bowl record to a respectable 2-2.
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