The thing about New Year resolutions, they’re notoriously hard to keep. There are a ton of memes for that now. Most of the time, these are promises we make for ourselves such as quitting smoking, cutting down on carbs and privy perhaps to our best friends and close relatives. That puts them in a position to understand why for some reason, we couldn’t keep them. Something happened, better luck next year. With tech, especially those that deal with businesses and security, resolutions need to be made and if possible, not broken; since those affected aren’t always in the position to be forgiving especially if their credit balances suddenly take a nose dive or if they get inundated by junk calls and junk mail. Here are some new-year resolutions they need to make… and keep.
Microsoft – Since Windows 10 will be the last iteration of Windows, and any changes will be made through updates, this year we promise to update regularly – but only with your permission. Windows Update from time to time will show consumers a large windows with easily understandable text where you can choose between installing all updates automatically or manually. We will warn you of any zero-day vulnerabilities and how they may affect you in layman’s terms, and you can choose whether to install new updates or not. We will value your privacy and your Windows 10 experience by not installing anything you don’t expect unless you earlier chose to install all updates automatically. We will also promise to triple-check all patches to keep the bugs out.
We also promise to become transparent with the data we collect, that we in no way will collect your IP address, your mac address, your email and phone numbers and where and when you’ve been on the internet—only data that will help us on how to improve Windows even further like how often you use Cortana, how often you use Edge and Universal Apps. We, however, will not speak for third-party programs that may do otherwise.
We also thank you for your continuous support in making Windows 10, Office 365 and Surface products a success. With growth, we sometimes promise more than expected as we grow more and more confident. This year, we will be keener on our abilities and what we are really capable of. We will therefore no longer be making promises such as unlimited cloud storage and free Windows 10 subscription to pirates.
And lastly, we promise to improve our marketing methods and strategies to make people aware on how better our products actually are compared to others and not limit consumer choice. Our staff will also be taking courses on nomenclature and etymology to better sell our products and avoid wasting precious resources in production and R&D.
Console Makers and Game Studios – We want you to have the best experience with our products as possible out of the box, just like the old days! This 2016, we will release new versions of our consoles completely updated with no need to connect to the internet for any firmware updates. We will also urge third-party game studios to release all their games complete and fully tested to avoid abominations like Big Rigs, Battlefield 4, Ultima IX and Fallout: New Vegas.
Google – This 2016, we will be changing the way our apps and games are curated at the PlayStore. We will be wiping out all free app and game submissions that display ads every thirty seconds or so giving the Android experience a bad name. Being free is no excuse for apps to constantly nag users with ads. We will, therefore, be changing our guidelines on app submissions and may resign ourselves to the fact that our app lineup will be down by 70 percent.
We also promise to be one step ahead and make Android more secure and remove vulnerabilities such as Stagefright and libutils. We acknowledge that Android is not completely secure and that there are smarter people than our engineers whom we’d love to meet and hire. We will be staging more hack-a-thons like Facebook in order to flesh out Android problems and finally push Android to the enterprise.
US Government – This year, this government promises to no longer be the victim of hacking, both domestic and foreign, that put the country’s national security in jeopardy and our credibility in question. We will focus our resources and technological superiority to creating a more secure government infrastructure to keep our personnel data, and secret government projects secure from ISIS, China, Iraq and North Korea. In light of this promise, we can no longer afford to purchase the storage required to keep all data collected from normal citizens as Microsoft has reneged on its unlimited cloud storage. We also remind everyone to register your drones with the guarantee that they will not be used to track your activities.
Apple – Once the final version of Oculus Rift comes out, we will be using Project Elysium to commune with Steve Jobs to continue using his insight to make Apple products better and return to innovation instead of re-invention. We will release a new Macbook this year with more USB-C ports, a touch-screen enabled Mac OSX and further integration between it and iOS. We will also strive for better and affordable price margins for our products by releasing truly affordable versions of our higher-end models. Future products like the Apple Watch will also have exceptional battery life. Our beloved Jony Ive will be banned from having vacations this year to avoid ‘design exceptions’ like our latest battery case.
Hardware Vendors – Due to the continued negative response to our free software pre-installed on our products which are meant to enhance your computing experience, those products like Superfish and eDellroot will no longer be pre-installed. We will ship our products with stock operating systems, and they will again be accompanied by installation media with complete descriptions on how each of them can actually help you in your day-to-day tasks. We will also restore the proper locations of function and control keys and refrain from releasing underpowered ‘multi-core’ models for ‘consumers’.
Some of these are better said on Santa’s lap but he just left town, and we can’t wait that long. Hopefully, names of respective representatives would attach themselves to these new-year resolutions and make 2016 more exciting than what we expect it to be.