The Clueless Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day & keeping your woman happy

Clueless Man's Guide to Valentine's Day & keeping your woman 2016 images

The Clueless Man's Guide to Valentine's Day & keeping your woman 2016 images

You must be seriously desperate if you’ve come to me for Valentine’s Day gift advice. You do realize I once gave my wife a birthday card for Valentine’s Day right?

Her birthday is in May.

I have no idea why you would seek help from a man who once thought it was a good idea to buy his wife a new mattress for the most romantic holiday of the year. This was not the greatest mattress on the market either.

Nonetheless, you’re already here so I might as well see what I can do for you. I can imagine you have come up with some pretty pathetic gift ideas on your own.

If you have purchased your woman a set of flannel pajamas, please find the receipt then return them asap. Or toss them in the garbage.

Are you attempting to never have sex with your soulmate again?

Gift cards are out as well. You could buy your girlfriend a $1,000 gift card from her favorite store, and it would still be a disappointing Valentine’s Day present.

Your lady might smile as she opens the card up, but trust me she’s thinking, “He didn’t make any effort at all to pick out a real gift. Probably had his mommy pick this gift card up. I may have to move on to Chuck down at the insurance office.”

For Valentine’s Day, you have to step your game up. Forget the fact that the holiday was created by guys like Don Draper in order to sell flowers, candy, and cute cards.

It may be a made-up holiday designed by giant corporations to get even more of your income, but as long as the females of this planet think February 14th is important, you damn well better agree.

That is if you ever want to touch a woman again.

OK, we’ve established the fact that you don’t have a clue. If left to your own wits, God only knows what pitiful expression of your love you will pick out on that oh so special day in February.

I’m about to guide you through the process of picking out the perfect gift for the lady who may someday help you clone some little versions of yourself. The main point of this article is to help you do most of the heavy lifting. After all, you know your companion better than me.

If you don’t, then someone else will take the time to get to know her, and you need not worry about many more holidays with her anyway.

The first thing you need to do is seek the help of her friends. They will put you on the fast track for the right gift. A sister will be of even more help. Females seem to tell each other everything, and unlike you, they listen. Maybe for ammo during future drama fueled cat fights, but whatever the reason, these creatures know their friends really well.

It’s likely they can tell you about a new dress or some jewelry your lady keeps mentioning. These friends can send you to the exact address and aisle of the item that should get you plenty of love on 2-14-2016.

red roses laced with diamonds 2016

Two items that would make great gifts no matter which lady is on the receiving end.

  • Diamonds are above you in the best friend’s category, and you will likely get to talk to a hot sales lady at the jewelry counter. Walmart’s jewelry section is to be avoided as is the entire miserable store.

  • Roses son! Yes, they are overpriced, and you can’t buy them ahead of time to get a discount. So bite the bullet and pay the $50 for twelve flowers. Delivery is a must to her workplace since she has to make sure her co-workers see she is adored.

In case your wife’s friends don’t like you or she has no friends at all (both bad signs), you may have to use your own instincts on this one. Scary I know.

Just ask yourself, what does every woman want?

dog with diamond

A puppy that she ends up liking more than her lover? A big rock on her finger or a couple of shiny stones in her ears? Maybe even a new car with a bow on it if money’s no object?

Yes to all the above. But mainly they want to be appreciated and pampered. You can bet your ass that your lady is much more considerate than you. It can’t be too hard to show her the same consideration on a special date like Valentine’s Day.

How can you pamper her in order to show her just how much you appreciate her? This one’s easy. Ever met a female who didn’t like massages or fantasize about ten hours at a spa? The easiest way to pamper a woman is to pay for a day trip to a spa that will make her feel like a million bucks. She’ll appreciate the fact that you paid for a real masseuse that won’t just poke around her spine as they try to watch Monday Night Football like you do on a weekly basis.

This gift could even benefit you. A weekend at a casino that offers spa treatments would scratch your gambling itch while giving her a couple of days of relaxation.

***** That was a test to see if you’re paying attention. Do Not Take Your Lady To A Casino On Valentine’s Day! I know it’s a brilliant idea combined with a spa package, but she will most likely find it shameless and unromantic.

luxury spa for valentines day

To reiterate. Spa good. Casino bad.

Women love to travel. Where would your girl like to go? You may not be rolling in money, but you can likely afford a three-day trip to somewhere that she will never forget. A piece of jewelry may be forgotten or left in a wooden box after a few years. A wonderful trip with the person she loves will remain with her until her last days.

Or is it an activity like surfing that gets her excited even though she has never even touched a surfboard. Maybe your little freak wants to try skydiving. Knowing you are scared of heights yet booked a date with a perfectly good airplane made for exiting mid-flight should get your woman plenty excited about her man, and she may really put on a freak show after the jump.

Just saying, it’s a big turn on for you to step outside your comfort zone just because you know she wants to be adventurous with a dangerous activity like skydiving.

Above all else. Listen to me right now. Stop thinking about the Panthers losing Super Bowl 50 and why Peyton Manning keeps holding back on his retirement party. Forget that you owe the bank $233,000 over the next 30 years. Stop focusing on your awful boss down at the office. Focus on your lady each time you’re with her. Listen to the words that come from those lips.

Be with her in each moment, not elsewhere.

Giving her your undivided attention will make it easy to pick out a gift. I assure you she has been dropping hints for a while now. Even better, you will benefit from the focus you put on your lady. I guarantee she will notice you actually being with her instead of your mind wandering to somewhere else.

If your better half isn’t holding your full attention, then you should question why you are spending Valentine’s Day with her in the first place. Maybe you would be happier elsewhere. Maybe she deserves a shot with a guy who does give her his full focus.

You should be that guy starting now. Not some other prick.

Valentine’s Day is just one day out of the 366 we have in store for 2016. Still, it’s a perfect starting point for giving your wife or girlfriend the best possible gift, your full and undivided attention.