This week ABC aired the 8th week of this season’s The Bachelorette. As we get closer and closer to the last rose ceremony, Jojo prepares herself to make some pretty hard decisions when it comes to narrowing down the pack.
In continuation of last week’s cliffhanger, we are brought back to Jojo who is sobbing due to her confusion on who she wants to send home. While at first she was prepared to send Luke home, he last minute confessed his love for her and had her second-guessing her decision. Nonetheless, after Jojo manages to compose herself, she ends up finally handing out the roses to…
Jordan, Robby and Chase, making them the top 3.
Inevitably, Luke looks pretty heartbroken, as Jojo tries to justify why she opted to send him packing. She tells him, “As the days and the weeks and the months (note: this is the beginning of week 8 of the competition…Jojo saying “months” is definitely a stretch) went on… I started to struggle with not knowing where you stood.” Luke basically responds by saying that he was under the impression that the way they stared at each other was assurance enough that they are destined to be together.
Jojo, Chris Harrison and the 3 remaining men proceed to jet off to Thailand. The Bachelorette gushes about how confident she is in the relationships she has with Robby, Chase and Jordan – however, she is now looking for clarity via the Fantasy Suite dates.
The first date of the week goes to Robby, who is still anxiously waiting for Jojo to tell him she loves him. The duo first hit up a local Thai market, but a torrential rainstorm, unfortunately, interrupts their outing. They then decide to hit up a spa to get Thai foot massages.
During the evening portion of their date, Jojo seems a bit hesitant to say the ‘L word’ back to Robby. She reminds him that it was at this point in her season of The Bachelor that Ben Higgins told her he loved her and then proceeded to dump her just days later. In an attempt to reassure Jojo, Robby pulls out a secret weapon – a note he says his father wrote, claiming that he “can really tell” that his son loves Jojo. Inevitably, this manages to score Robby an invite to the Fantasy Suite.
In confessional, Jojo admits, “at this point, I know I love Robby, and I know I’m ready to take the next step.” After the screen fades to black, we get a little glimpse of the morning after. Jojo confesses that she was very close to telling Robby she loves him. However, she decided against it as she “[knows] the best thing to do at this point is to not say anything…”
The next date of the week is Jordan’s. Jojo and Jordan go on a beautiful hike, where they end up in an in-cave temple that is also a kiss-free zone. While Jordan may have won over Jojo in the looks department, he does struggle a bit when it comes to conversation. When asked about where he sees himself in a year, the former NFL star responds that he is not sure. He tries to backtrack by then telling Jojo, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” but Jojo bluntly shoots back, “That’s what Ben [Higgins] said.”
Fortunately, Jordan turns things around during the evening portion of the date. He tells Jojo that when he pictures his wedding day, he pictures marrying her. This turns out to be enough to win him an invite to the coveted Fantasy Suite.
Following her first two dates, Jojo candidly admits to the one-on-one camera, “Loving two guys at the same time; I don’t know what to do! I think I finally understand now more than ever how Ben [Higgins] got there.”
Jojo’s final date of the week is with, of course, Chase. The duo goes on a boat ride to an isolated beach. They arguably have the most playful dynamic, as they play around with fish, wave to a little monkey and laugh non-stop during their time together. However, it is pretty evident that Jojo doesn’t feel the same romantic connection with Chase that she does with Jordan and Robby.
Before going out for the evening portion of her date with Chase, Jojo stops by her hotel room to get ready. Unexpectedly, she hears a knock at her door and winds up face-to-face with Robby. He gushes to her “I’m ready for us…for a family…to be your husband.” Evidently thrown off, Jojo points out, “I am in the middle of a date.”
After shooing Robby away, Jojo finally joins Chase for dinner. She ends up giving him an invite to the Fantasy Suite after he tells her that he wants a future with her.
While in the Fantasy Suite, Chase really opens up and actually tells the Bachelorette that he loves her. Unfortunately, she doesn’t quite share the same sentiment and after stepping outside for a few minutes, she returns to tell him, “I don’t think I’m in the same place as you…I don’t know if spending this night together would change this feeling.”
Subsequently, Chase is completely “shattered,” as he feels frustrated that Jojo never even gave their relationship a fair shot. He exclaims, “I mean, what do you want me to say? You 100 percent made me regret saying [I love you]. Now love means ‘Get the f*** out?” Nonetheless, he heads into the chauffeured van waiting for him and decides to name it his very own “Fantasy Suite” car.
The next morning, Robby and Jordan arrive at the rose ceremony set. Chris Harrison is seen talking to Jojo, informing her that both of the men “know nothing about what happened [with Chase].”
When Jojo finally reveals herself to the final 2 contenders, she explains, “As you can see, Chase is not here. And that is because I sent Chase home.”
Moments after this, Chase conveniently pops out of nowhere and pulls Jojo to the side. He tells her that he is not looking for a second chance. However, he does want to apologize for the way he handled their breakup. He admits, “There was a lot of things that I wasn’t able to say because I was so shocked, and I resorted to anger and put walls up right away. And that’s not how I want us to end.” He goes on to tell Jojo that he still has a lot of love for her, and he truly admires her.
Lastly, the episode ends off with an all-too-predictable rose ceremony, as Jojo hands the 2 roses to the 2 remaining contestants, Robby and Jordan.
Now for the most Awkward Moments of Episode 1209 of The Bachelorette:
8. Chase and the fish
Chase showed off a goofy side we’d never seen before this week. He and JoJo came upon a table full of drying fish, and he picked one up and pretended to eat it like a seal. It dripped on his shirt, and JoJo said he smelled like fish now, to which he replied, “no, you smell,” just like a kindergartner would. (I don’t mean that in a bad way; I thought it was funny.) Then she told him to kiss the fish on the lips, and he did. Right after he did it, he said, “that was weird.” I think he surprised himself with how goofy he got. It’s gross and awkward to kiss a dead fish, even if it helps the audience relate to you better as a real person.
7. No kissing in the temple
Robby’s date was pretty unmemorable, but Jordan’s made up for it. Joelle F. and the former pro quarterback went into a Buddhist temple where kissing was forbidden. The producers threw them a curveball because they knew these two are basically connected at the lips. They had to talk to each other instead of sucking face, which of course led to some more awkward stuff.
6. “Chemistry”
JoJo said that she and Jordan had “chemistry” four times by my count, but I may have missed some because I started thinking about what it would be like if Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad were on The Bachelorette. I think his sad-eyed charm would get him to Week 4 before his emotional volatility got the best of him.
5. Jordan spouting some true nonsense
My bullsh– detector was beeping off the hook when Jordan kept talking about how important it was to him to get a woman’s father’s approval before asking her to marry him. Unless Jordan Rodgers is a Sean Lowe-level family values choirboy, he was lying to ingratiate himself to… JoJo, I guess? She said she loved how traditional he was, so maybe it was a good move, but she’s so infatuated with him at this point that he could say “my favorite snack is boogers” and she’d be like, “awww, so cute.” I tried to transcribe what he babbled about wanting to look JoJo’s father in the eye, but it made so little sense that reproducing it here would just confuse you so much that you’d stop reading. “Is this guy too good to be true?” JoJo wondered, to which the answer is of course “yes, duh.”
4. JoJo is not afraid to ask the impossible questions
During that conversation, JoJo brought up her concern that Jordan’s lifestyle leads to a rootlessness that makes it easy for him to cut and run. She doesn’t want to choose him only to have him disappear in six months. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he replied. “Ahh, that’s what Ben said,” JoJo replied SO disrespectfully. Jordan showed admirable restraint by not saying “who do you think you’re talking to?” How does he know he wants to spend the rest of her life, she asks him, which is literally impossible to answer verbally. Does she think he can share his consciousness with her like how the IT department can remotely take over your computer? She should ask him to kill Robby as a test of his love. That might prove that he’s really about this Bachelorette life.
3. Chase eliminated
Poor Chase. He finally opened his heart, and JoJo was like, “Actually no, sorry, bye.” On their date, they went up to the fantasy suite, and he told her he loved her for the first time. She realized that the feeling was not mutual and told him that she had to send him home. One minute he was about to consummate, and the next he was drinking a sad beer in a van ostensibly on the way to the airport. “I’m skewered, I’m shattered,” he told her. She told him that she didn’t want the emotional blindsiding that happened to her with Ben to happen to him. She wanted to treat him fairly and respectfully, and he was like, “no, you did me dirty just now,” which, he’s exaggerating. What Ben did to JoJo on The Bachelor last season was much worse than this. He told her he loved her, slept with her, then told her he loved somebody else more. That was much worse. Chase looked petulant at that moment. He was hurt, though. Poor Chase, for real.
2. Chase returns
We thought that van was taking him to the airport, but, twist! He showed up during the rose ceremony. It seemed like he was about to confront JoJo, but instead he said he’s not mad and told her he wished the best for her, and also that she was wrong to not choose him and if she changes her mind, let him know. It was actually pretty sweet. What I really didn’t like is how badly this show treats its star. JoJo didn’t know that Chase was coming back, so when he showed up, she got panicky. The producers put undue stress on JoJo in an already stressful moment. They made her cry in what should have been a happy moment with her two favorite guys. Would the producers of Scandal stress out Kerry Washington like that? I think not!
1. It’s so hot in Thailand!
On every date they mentioned how sweaty and gross they were. During the final rose ceremony, Robby and Jordan were both dabbing their foreheads with handkerchiefs. Robby’s shirt, in particular, was soaked. Even Chris Harrison sweat through his shirt. It was too hot! It was probably really hard to get the shots they wanted because everyone was so shiny and self-conscious! It’s hard to project a glamorous fantasy when you’re so hot that standing in a courtyard makes you sweat like you’re playing basketball!
As a special treat, we’ve got more…
The Most Awkward Moments of The Bachelorette Men Tell All:
8. That dishonest Bachelor In Paradise promo
Bachelor In Paradise starts next Tuesday, the night after The Bachelorette finale. The deeply inconsequential spin-off where the runners-up hang out and hook up in Mexico needs to justify its existence somehow, and it looks like it’s trying that this season by ratcheting up the lunacy. There are going to be three(!) proposals, lots of making out followed by tears and Nick Viall is going to show up for the third time. We can’t get rid of him! Worst of all, the promo committed the recurring, annoying Bachelor franchise sin of making it look like things got violent when they actually didn’t. The promo was edited to look like Chad injured Evan, whom he beefed with during The Bachelorette. He didn’t. Evan in the ambulance has nothing to do with Chad (I’m not going to spoilBachelor In Paradise for you, but spoilers are out there if you want to seek them out, and they’ll tell you what really happens with Chad). The Bachelorette did the same thing earlier this season, , Iteasing that Chad gave Evan a bloody nose when in reality Evan apparently suffers from spontaneous nosebleeds. Evan seems kind of frail. He probably got heat stroke.
I’m tired of these misleading promos. They’re not even necessary. The real drama is dramatic enough.
7. Chase won’t stop talking about getting kicked out of the fantasy suite
On last night’s episode, Chase got eliminated after telling JoJo he was in love with her while they were in the “fantasy suite,” a.k.a. “the room where it happens.” This reunion was filmed several months later, and Chase was still sore about JoJo bringing him to the fantasy suite only to send him home. Chase, you see, really, really wanted to sleep with JoJo and he didn’t get to. When he’s harping on “why did you accept the fantasy suite card,” that’s what he really means. Since they didn’t sleep together, it doesn’t really matter what room they were in when she cut him. JoJo thought she was protecting both of them by eliminating him before they went to another level of intimacy, but I bet Chase would still rather she had cut him the morning after. I see you, Chase! You’re not low!
6. JoJo gives Chad the brush-off
I’m going to get more into Chad la; I promise, but Chad’s moment with JoJo deserves special mention. Chad insulted both of her finalists to her face, and she chose not to respond. “I could go off right now,” she said, but since he was only trolling for attention, she wasn’t going to give him what he wanted. “He’s not even worth my breath,” she said like a boss, which earned a standing ovation from the rest of the boys. She thanked them all for being respectful even after being eliminated, except Chad. Chad just smirked and ate cold cuts in response to all this.
5. Jon’s kilt
Jon, the Scotsman from the waist down who was eliminated night one, showed up wearing his kilt. Not a surprise, because that was his thing. The sad part was that his kilt wasn’t acknowledged until JoJo shouted it out halfway through the show. He didn’t get any other speaking lines. Sucks to be Jon.
4. Alex: still the worst
Early in the show, before Chad came out, the season’s second-tier villain got addressed, and he continued to look bad. Derek was diplomatic when talking about his conflict with Alex (I don’t remember what that was about, do you?), but then Nick B. jumped in with a truth bomb, calling Alex a manipulative instigator with a Napoleon complex. All true. Wells defended his friend, saying that since he’d spent his whole adult life in the military (which we’d forgotten, thanks for reminding us PSYCH lol), he was most comfortable in conflict. He fought with Chad and won, but then once Chad was gone he didn’t know his role anymore and thought he still had to fight, which manifested in inappropriate ways. To which Luke, the grownup in the room, basically said: “I was in the military, too, so that’s no excuse not to know how to behave.” He indirectly called Alex immature and directly called him a “clown.” Then they stopped talking about Alex and started talking about Chad, because they’re incapable of not talking about Chad.
3. Santa getting his airtime
Nick B. was an unmemorable guy who was eliminated early in the season, but he made his presence felt during the “Men Tell All.” The guy who showed up dressed as Santa called out Alex, to which Alex made a comment about Nick getting his 15 seconds, which isn’t exactly the expression, but Alex is inarticulate. Then during the Chad bit, he stood up, took off his jacket and challenged Chad to a fight, to which Chad said, “Good luck with your airtime there, Santa.” Nick barely interacted with Chad during the show. Then Nick spoke directly to JoJo even though he had nothing to say. But I’m talking about him now, so it worked. You’re not low, Nick, you thirsty random.
2. Literally, everything Chad did
Chad was perfect during the “Men Tell All.” He dressed all in black to signify that he’s a bad guy. He snacked, smirked, insulted everyone, dropped hilarious nonsequiturs and made some actually good points. He revealed that since the show’s ended, he’s dated Grant and Robby’s exes, which is such a high level of commitment to being an irritant that you kind of have to admire it. He called out everybody for Not Being Here for the Right Reasons with specific evidence (James Taylor is a singer, Jordan wants to be a sportscaster, etc.) while dodging the obvious fact that he, too, has some kind of ulterior promotional motive that has not yet fully become clear. He called Grant “Daryl.” He implied that Robby is gay (which he made explicit in a truly awful tweet last night). My personal favorite Chad moment was when he told Derek that his pocket square didn’t match his shirt. I admit it: I love to hate Chad.
1.“In what other experience do you get motorboated by a unicorn?”
Gross, Chris Harrison. Don’t talk about JoJo’s boobs. You’re like her weird uncle.