This is such a fascinating episode of “Walker,” one of the best ones of the entire series. From the moment Cordell wakes up (thinks he wakes up) in an alternate reality where Emily is alive and it’s Augie’s graduation day, everything is weird. Even the way those scenes are filmed is weird, blurry around the edges as reality bleeds in and out.
The dialogue is brilliantly vague – Emily could be talking about all kinds of things. We’re here. Roads. Life. Never thought we’d get this far. She’s laying out his outfit, jacket, boots. Tie.
“Your mom would want that.”
I get a bad feeling right from the start – which, of course it’s bad, we know where he really is and what’s really happening – but I’m fascinated by how his drugged mind and dying body are making sense of this. It is surreal but somehow rings so true.
It’s emotional too, Cordi touching Emily with such reverence, astounded that she’s “real,” that “we’re here… it’s here.”
The use of “it” and vague words like that are perfect, especially when you think back over the episode once its conclusion is known. IT is here. But what is “it”? An important day for sure, a pivotal day, a day that portends lots of changes. That could describe a graduation day, but it could also describe many other huge life changes.
Jared Padaelcki shows off his acting chops by registering Cordi’s alternate confusion and gratitude, trying to just take it in and drink it up as they make the “long trip” to his parents’ house through “bad traffic” but the feeling of something being off nagging at him.
The sound of a blender repeatedly intrudes, and he incorporates it into the dreamscape – just like Liam’s intrusive “trust me, drink this” as he puts a straw and a blended drink to Cordell’s mouth.
And why is Stella not talking to him? And why is she wearing red?
He has flashes of the real world, a bright light overhead that in the dreamscape is the sun – just like in the Supernatural djinn episode. The door opens on its own and everyone comments on how strange that is and worries about the dogs getting out. Cordell walks through the open door every time it happens. We get a flash of where he really is, in a dark room on a stretcher – with the Jackal.
Hoyt shows up and sweeps Cordi into a hug – literally. He drove here with Geri and his daughter Sadie, which is just…weird. (I’ve seen speculation online that when Hoyt swept up Cordi it was when the Jackal dumped him into a hole in the ground. Oof.)
We see Abeline overjoyed that Hoyt is there, sweeping him into a bear hug as he exclaims happily “Abby Bear!”
Every now and then someone says something strange, like Abeline’s sudden “You know you don’t have to be here” to Cordi. Geri, Abeline and Emily prepare mushrooms, and joke about the other kind (hallucinogenic ones), a little jolt of realization of Cordell’s subconscious perhaps. Geri and Abeline console Emily, saying they’ll need to talk about “after”, later “when the dust settles.” It’s ominous, full of melancholy.
Hoyt and Cordi have a chat at the piano, Hoyt saying that Cordell was “never really in it, always chasing something down.”
It’s his regret bubbling up, as he sinks into the hallucination but also starts facing his possible death in reality.
Emily and Hoyt are very physical with Cordell in the dreamscape, hugging him, pulling him in, a comforting arm slung around his neck, Emily snuggling into his chest or kissing him. I can’t help but think that’s Cordell craving love and understanding so much, sometimes having a hard time finding it as he gets blamed for a lot that’s not always his fault. Looking back, it’s easy to see why this would be a world that was hard to leave.
***
Meanwhile, James, Trey, Cassie and Luna are increasingly worried and on the search for Walker. They find his motel room trashed and Walker missing.
***
In the dreamscape, Emily continues to tell Cordell things that he doesn’t understand. He keeps trying to remember things, but he’s not sure what.
Emily: I made you a ‘what if’ list. You have to look at it.
Bonham: You need to retrace your steps, Cordell.
Emily: I can’t do this by myself. I can’t.
Cordell worries that’s how he made her feel. Bonham reminds him that he can change all that, that there’s still…time.
Cordell: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Again and again, the door blows open and someone asks who keeps leaving the door open, that the dogs are gonna get out. And every time, Cordi goes through it.
This time he finds Hoyt, as though the door is him vacillating between life and death. They talk about when Cordi and his dad used to sit outside at night, how Cordell said he needed to “hold the quiet.”
Cordell: I never told her that.
Hoyt: Well, she knew. But she also knew you were scared of it. Holding it, staying.
It’s an odd metaphor for Cordell’s struggle – since Emily died, but clearly long before that. I really wish we’d gotten to know this character even more, really dug into the depths of who Cordell Walker was as a kid, a teenager, a young man.
The show, especially in this episode, hints at a depth to him that was full of darkness and doubt long before tragedy found him by taking his wife’s life. Holding the quiet was something he both craved and was afraid of. I love that phrase, all the meaning in it.
Hoyt says he’s going to ask Geri to marry him, that when she moves in she won’t ever have to move out. That she deserves the best. It’s Cordi’s unconscious trying to make sense of his relationship with Geri and his guilt that things didn’t go the way he planned when he wanted her to move in.
Liam joins them on the bench. Cordell sees Emily behind them teaching August about photography and wishes he’d known more about what she taught him. Hoyt reminds him to just look, it’s right there.
What’s great is that the episode unfurls like a dream – it’s surreal around the edges, and things don’t make sense. There are non sequiturs all over, things that are fragments of waking life that insert themselves, but they come out altered in some way.
And then, suddenly…
Hoyt: It’s time to go, isn’t it?
Birds squawk, he claps his hands, and in we see Cordell lying on a too-small stretcher.
***
James, Trey, Luna, and Cassie go to the motel, increasingly worried about Cordell and the chances he’s taking/took.
Luna: He’s solving this thing the only way he knows how.
But Cassie is furious and terrified for her partner.
They see a laundry van on surveillance camera backed up to Cordi’s room and work to track that down.
***
Walker and Emily get to the graduation, where everyone is speaking in riddles. Stella’s not sure she can do this; Emily comforts her, reminding her of her strength, saying she’s just like her father.
Cordell, realizing something is very off, protests “I’m right here.”
Stella says she’s so tired of missing him, that he should write a speech so they have it when he’s not here anymore.
Augie: Dad, it means a lot that you’re here, that you tried.
Only the Walker family and friends are in the strange graduation room of white chairs and potted trees, Emily reassuring Geri and Cordi that it’s gonna be okay. And that they can’t be sad it’s over if they never make it happen. Little bits of Cordell trying to talk sense to himself, trying to find some hope to hang onto.
People start reminding him he has a choice, as his subconscious struggles to wake up and live.
Abeline: Love, you don’t have to be here.
Kelly asks him if the napkin with the partnership rules on it is in his jacket – and it is. She thanks him, and says it was something special. But after everything, Larry couldn’t bring himself to be there today.
Cordell is confused. At a graduation? Is this a graduation??
Cordell turns around and the room is empty, Cordell and Sadie look down and saying they don’t think he’ll fit in there, to go get the shovel.
(In real life, the Jackal is likely preparing to bury him still alive. Ooof.)
Augie’s standing at the podium, struggling to compose himself, Kale Culley doing a masterful job of showing us how August would feel.
And then he starts, not a graduation speech… a eulogy. That his father loved Shakespeare, but he never appreciated it until now.
Suddenly, Cordell sees that Augie is standing over a coffin, tearfully quoting Shakespeare.
Stella holds onto him, picks up the talk, and consoles her brother.
Cordell turns around and sees his loved ones, his mother and father quoting Shakespeare too. Geri is too overcome to speak, Sadie picks up the Shakespeare for her, Liam and Hoyt joining in as his brothers. Emily brings flowers and rosemary for remembrance. And pansies, for thoughts.
Hoyt and Cordi witness the family’s grief.
Cordi: Is it real? How did this happen?
Hoyt: You know.
Cordi: Have I ever told you that you’re my best friend?
He wants to give the letters to his kids, but Hoyt says no, not now. He tells Cordi to get up, on his feet. Reminds him that he’s Hoyt’s best friend too.
***
The four Rangers find the abandoned van empty. They split up, searching frantically for Walker, Trey with the antidote just in case.
***
In the dreamscape, Cordell realizes what’s happening.
Cordi: It’s me, isn’t it? I’m the one who’s dead?
Emily: You can still wake up.
But, heartbreakingly, Cordell isn’t sure he should. Like Dean Winchester’s hesitation in the djinn verse, the dreamscape is tempting. Emily is there. Death is tempting for Cordell, as it’s always a tiny bit tempting for people who have lost someone very special. And he feels guilty, like he hasn’t done a good job raising his kids.
Cordi: Why? Maybe it’s better I stay, for everyone, look at what I’ve done.
(“Supernatural” fans felt that like a gut punch; it felt so close to Sam Winchester’s “so?” when Dean tried to tell him that he’d die if he completed the trials.)
Emily reminds him of their family, the life they made, but Cordi is convinced he ruined it.
Cordi: I lost you, so I tried to be both of us together for everyone and I only let them down. I made promises and then I left.
He’s coming to terms with his own regrets, wanting to give in and let go. He leans his head back, the birds squawking that we’ve heard throughout, probably as he’s submerged in the dirt.
In the dreamscape, he’s wheeled in on a stretcher.
***
The four Rangers search for him frantically, time running out. Luna finds a fresh hole dug, texts a photo to Cassie.
Luna: We got this, Cass. We’re here in time.
She almost says I love you, then instead “I’ll see you in a few” and so we know something terrible is going to happen…
And sure enough, the Jackal gets to him.
***
Em: You can still wake up. Cordi, let’s go! Go!
Cordi: But you’re here. How am I supposed to walk away from that? Here, it’s quiet here.
Emily: You were always afraid of the quiet.
Cordi: Because I was afraid what it meant.
Another insight into this fascinating character, and I wish we had more. Has he always had anxiety, and the quiet was too much for him sometimes? Did it give him too much time and space to think about things he didn’t want to think about?
He opens the coffin, finds it empty.
Cordi: What does it mean?
Emily: It means that there’s no you here – you’re not supposed to be here, not yet.
She has always been his rock, the representation of his own strength.
Cordi: Even if I want to be? I don’t know which reality is worse, Em. And I don’t want to, I don’t think I can go back to one without you…
Emily urges him to wake up, insisting that he can still stop this, that he’s right there. He’s right there.
Dirt starts falling on his head, as Em urges him “Cordi, let’s go. Let’s go now. Cordi, let us go.”
The words change, the meaning changes. It’s time to go – but it’s also time to let them go, the people he’s lost. Time to go back to the people he has left, who need him. He’s anguished, torn.
James and Trey start digging with their bare hands (why didn’t they bring a shovel??) over a fresh grave, calling Cordell’s name. They find him finally, pulling him up from the dirt and frantically injecting him with the antidote. Cordell’s indecision was enough; it kept him alive.
Meanwhile, Cassie searches for Luna, finding blood on the ground.
Cordell opens his eyes and gasps “He’s there, he’s right there!” in reality.
Trey takes off after the Jackal as Cassie screams.
She finds Luna shot, holds him in her arms, and reassures him.
Cassie: I’m right here, I’ve got you. Breathe. I’m not going anywhere.
Luna: Kiss me.
She does, as he slips away, as she pleads with him to stay.
An excruciatingly painful song plays as she holds him, sobbing and pleading, but it’s too late. The camera pulls out for a beautiful, horrible, crane shot, Cassie and Luna a tragic tableau for the final frame.
It’s Luna who crosses over to the other side as James holds onto Cordell, helping him back to this one.
That was an amazing episode. It was written like the best fanfic, and that’s a high compliment coming from me. It was almost poetic in its dialogue, and beautifully filmed in the dreamscape scenes, with skillful weaving in and out of reality and dreamworld so that one bled into the other, and in and out. So well done, wow.
It almost had a “Sixth Sense” feel to it at the end, as I thought back over all the scenes that were clearer now – Emily picking out the clothes he’ll be buried in, the women preparing mushrooms and talking about the ones in the other room (that would be hallucinogenic), everyone’s inconsistent conversation and flashes of deep sadness. It makes so much sense looking back, but it’s also so subtly done that you realize gradually that something is very off, just as Cordell does.
All the kudos, to Jared Padalecki and Gen Padalecki and Kale Culley and Matt Barr especially, because those were all such powerful performances. And kudos to Anna Fricke for the masterful directing and for also being one of the writers. All the congrats!
There are only two new episodes left, which is extra upsetting because this one was so damn good – be sure to catch the penultimate episode of “Walker” (shades of Sam Winchester) Wednesday night on the CW!