If you feel like you’ve let your father down over the years, you’re probably right.
Oh, were you expecting me to tell you it’s OK that you mooched off the man for 20 years while he avoided all fun in order to work 60 hour weeks?
Got to keep it real here SON! You owe your dad big time.
All those times he paid you way more than you were worth for chores. Washing cars doesn’t pay $20 an hour in the real world does it? Especially when he had to re-wash it himself to get it right.
All those times he thought about bouncing to a South American fishing village and letting you and your idiot brother fend for yourselves. You think he never had the desire to leave the garbage truck route for a relaxing life in Rio with no responsibilities at all?
You were probably too busy with Call of Duty six hours daily to notice his exhaustion each evening after he got home from work. I guess you figured he was lazy since all he had the energy to do was lounge on the recliner with a beer. That’s all he had left to give after laying on twelve gallons of paint at work, or dealing with moronic retail shoppers at his second job.
You can never repay what your dad did for you. But you can damn sure make a run at it with these ten Father‘s Day gifts below. All you can do is make the effort.
For you real slackers who don’t know, “effort” is what kept food on your table and those fancy kicks on you’re entitled feet.
10. For the Star Wars fan-dad, check out this Vader mug before the Etsy seller gets sued into oblivion by Disney. Pretty simple message, dark side cool.
9. You may be like me and too unorganized to plan ahead when it comes to buying tickets to a concert or sporting event. That’s OK. Stubhub has last minute tix available.
You think your dad wouldn’t love to get some great seats to a baseball game or even a UFC event?
The best part is you can even take part in this gift.
Unless it’s a Tina Turner concert. Best let mama join him for that one.
8. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
No book can show your dad how to be happy. But this one can set his mind to thinking about the right path toward it. It’s easy for men to forget themselves as they think more about their family than they do their own selves.
We all have things that make us feel most alive. Dads included. It’s crucial that we find our flow. It’s always been there, but most of the time it gets covered up by earning a living and the daily grind.
Self-care is as important as caring for one’s kids. Dads need to know this as much as anyone on the planet.
7. The NFL Red Zone is the best invention since heroin. There are no commercials and the action non-stoptop. NON-STOP!
I loved the NFL long before I got the Red Zone channel, now I’ve developed a whole new lust for the games. This is the best value on the list for you broke offspring.
6. Plan out a monthly hike with your pops. I promise he’ll love it. It may take some prodding to get him off the couch if he’s in an inactive rut. Just get him to go once and he’ll be hooked.
He’s probably on his way to a midlife crisis, so hiking will be a better way to cope than with 124 beers a month.
5. No dad can resist this cool bottle opener, the Bottle Breacher (as seen on Shark Tank). The only exception would be an anti-gun dad or a recovering alcoholic. Just move past this one if that’s the case.
If he’s a regular Joe, he’ll love this one. Just come up with something better than “#1 Dad.” He knows he’s #1 already. Go with any of these instead:
#1 Ass Kicker
King of the North
The One Who Knocks
#1 Sperm Donor
4. Most fathers are speed freaks. And even though they can’t drive over 60 mph on a PS4 racing game, they do much better in the real world. Your old man likely had some sort of hot rod back in the day so he’d love a chance to drive a real race car on a real track.
Now’s your chance to make up for putting his truck in the ditch just days after you somehow managed to get a license to drive. Shell out the dollars for him to go to racing school and you might even get a hug. Maybe a tearful one.
3. Sling TV. If your dad is a cheapskate, don’t blame him. He had to cut corners in order to pay for your $400 class ring, $100 yearbook, and those hideous school pictures that totalled $1310 over 12 years. This internet based TV service will save him some real money and let him still enjoy the channels he loves most.
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2. Back before your dad dedicated his life to feeding you and the rest of his tribe, he may have been a badass of sorts. Maybe even won your mother’s heart in a bar fight defending her honor (AKA trying to take her home).
Even if he has always been a mild-mannered guy, he could still benefit from some MMA training. It will give him back a sense of what he was before becoming entrenched in office work and yard chores while you were growing up.
1. Challenge your dad to a race. He’s probably let himself go over the years due to his sole focus of providing a better life for you. Sign yourself and him up for a 5K a couple months ahead of time so he can get ready.
At first, he’ll act like he’s not down with it. Just tell him you figured he was scared. By the next day he’ll have brooded over that insult and called you back to tell your punk ass to be ready in two months for the run.
Prodding your dad to improve his health is the best gift available this Father’s Day. If you get him to do the run, feel free to buy yourself a goofy “#1 Son or Daughter” T-shirt.